Worst @**%ing Songs of All Time - part 1

We played a series of songs to Bingo the Chimp to determine which were the worst in history. We then left him in front of a type writer for a few years and he wrote down the results...read on to have your illusions shattered...



1) Every Breath You Take by The Police





Staggeringly unpleasant, not to mention boring, song about Sting creeping up some ex lover by stalking her. Maturely adding to the endless list of songs about why "women are dirty" he sings in a tone seemingly meant to suggest huskily dangerous sexuality but ends up sounding as alluring as Ted Bundy with a migraine (see above)...Anything that was remotely interesting about The Police, the intricate drumming, the ringing chords, is subsumed under Mr Tantric's leering vocal. This is, when all said and done, an AOR equivalent of "To Kill A Hooker" by N.W.A...

2) Yellow by Coldplay



So bland it actually starts to become a little frightening, like the nice quiet neighbor who "liked a drink and a chat" and then ends up blowing away half a village. I am almost certain that anyone as cheerily right on as Chris Martin will be unmasked as a pedo, at the very least the "One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest" inmate drummer (remember you heard it here first)...Apart from George Milton and Lennie Small (see above) the rest of the band look like those disabled kids who fell down mine shafts only to be rescued by Gentle Ben...Oh as for the song? Well it's a bag of gowl innit?

3) Baby Hit Me Baby One More Time by Britney Spears



Sometimes you think surely the world is not that cynical and manipulative?? And then all your worst fears are confirmed as prostitutes are dismembered and dumped in bins, oil slicks fill the beaches, David Cameron gets elected and someone goes, "hey guys, lets write a song that implies a teenager prefers a good slug in the mouth to her boyf dumping her and then make a video that implies pedophilia, that will be a hit!". Rhianna certainly enjoyed a good beating...


4) Police and Thieves by The Clash



Generally revered for their Punk/ white reggae fusion (which led to The Police and UB40, cheers for that...) and terrible teeth, The Clash's first attempt at a reggae cover was more skunk than skank. Charging at the tune like the petrified bull in the art work above (by bassist Paul Simonon, fulfilling his rebel pose by becoming a sub sub Jack Vetriano) the end result is a writhing hair ball of mullets (Mick Jones), out of tune guitars and vocals (Joe Strummer) and a rhythm section that doesn't know if they should be on or off the beat (the other two)...It wouldn't be so bad if the original by Junior Murvin was not such a beautiful shimmering sound...Even the original songs producer, Lee Perry, thought the cover was shit...


5) Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chilli Peppers



There is nothing so bad as being maudlin, everyone has a friend where they answer every question with "oh you know" and then look sorrowfully into the distance, and you want to scream and go, "for fuck sakes at least you're not living in North Korea"...This song, from its dripping opening chords to its drippy vocal melody to its drippy lyrics, screams "woe is me!". It's the boring rock star self pity that Warren Zevon lampooned in his caustic classic "Poor Poor Pitiful Me", boo hoo I take loads of drugs, boo hoo groupies keep blowing me, boo hoo I got loads of money which is why I take loads of drugs and groupies keep blowing me...It's all a tragedy as the Chilli's had the potential to be a good little funk band, but when this hit the charts every other single became an "affirmative" ballad from hell..


Bingo the Chimp