To become a star, talent, looks and stage presence all trail far behind having a good barnet...
Here are my top examples of hursuticular excellence, with some cheats that stray from music into general pop culture but were too good to leave out...
1) Randy Watson
Singer with legendary 80's "bedroom soul" throw backs "Sexual Chocolate", Randy first came to the UK's attention though his scene stealing performance in Eddie Murphy's laugh a minute "Coming to America". His flaunting of the infamous "jheri curl" set British hair salons alight with the desire for wet wrinkly hair like a skunk's scrot "tea bagging" your bonce.
Other famous Jheri's: Ice Cube (in NWA), all of Kool and the Gang.
2) John Oates
Doesn't he look pleased! I feel Oates' lip caterpillar just about edges out the other iconic 80's 'taches listed below, but its a tight call, I only go for John because he's probably a better singer than Tom, also John would certainly top any poll of 1980"s teeth.
Other famous fanny ticklers: Tom Selleck, Buffalo Bill Hickock, Tony Iommi
3) Pete Gabriel
Before soppy duets with Kate Bush and unavoidable age related lack of hair, Gabriel challenged the God's of male pattern baldness with this crazy inverse mohican. His spunk brought him prog rock super stardom and he later became the unlikely Armani suited quire of Rosanna Arquette...but the God's planned their vengeance and now Peter resembles the arse of a Mandrill, he is so bereft of hair.
Other great prog mullets: the rest of Genesis, Robert Fripp (70's version)
4) Larry Blackmon
Larry only made a "cameo" appearance in the charts with "Word Up" (geddit??), but his high top "fade" will live forever...Like John Oates he is a man of many talents, 80's fashion was never the same after Blackmon's Ferrari red cod piece became de rigueur.
Famous fades: Kool Keith, Eddie Murphy, Grace Jones
5) Ian Gillen
You were no one in 70's Heavy Metal unless you looked like a cross between Cousin It and Ursula Andress...None were hairier than Deep Purple shrieker Gillen. I once read a classic Victorian ghost story by MR James about a man who is killed by possessed hair, this pic of Gillen could have graced that stories front cover.
Other hairy metalers: Lemmy, Animal from the Muppets.
6)George Clinton
Dr Funkenstein himself has been seen on stage in silver moon boots, wearing a nappy and a blond wig so this writhing mass of Medusa's tentacles is relatively restrained. If it looks like a mugshot it's because it is, George arrested for driving on crack...or the attempted murder of his stylist.
Other freaky funker "dos": Rick James, Sly Stone
7)Pennywise the Clown
If you are thinning on top instead of shaving and trying to blend in with all the other Mondeo driving baldies why not make a feature of it? Wearing white pancake, dye it fire engine red, then have a sulky expression and rows of sharp teeth...all the better to scare you with my pretty...
If you end up on the sex offender register don't blame me...
Other folicaly challenged clowns: Phil Collins, The Edge
8)The Chi-lites
Its hard to tell how they managed to get their hair so perfectly round and, I suspect, buoyant? Maybe they were constructed by some specially trained bird of paradise flown in from Papua New Guinea for the task?
Other great 'fros: Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix's rhythm section, 70's Santana
9) Duane Allamn
Not only are we treated to Duane's famous handlebar but a furry tummy as well, you are spoiling us Mr Southern Rock Guitar hero...Was killed in a motorcycle accident, although it has long been rumored that this was engineered by B.A.N.G.E.R aka Bald American's Never Get Enough Respect, a militant organisation of bald hell's angles, jealous of Duanes voluminous bugger grips.
Other southern knights: Lynyrd Skynrd, Dr John
10) Ron Burgundy
You can almost smell the "sex panther" on this smoldering example of 70's lantern jawed manhood. A hero to millions who followed the way of the blow dryer..."You stay classy, San Diego,"
Other smoldering news readers: Anna Ford, Kirsty Wark
11) Frank Zappa
As well known for his complex jazzy avant garde chin foliage as he is for his complex jazzy avant garde music. His daring conversion of the Hitler mustache into a new beard format immediately made him the talk of the LA "freak" underground, some called him crazy, some said it could not be done...But now this man has a statue raised to him in Uzupis, the Lithuanianian's being known for their appreciation of facial hair, even if it is worn by a decadent capitalist westerner.
Other avant garde beards: Tutankhamen, 70's Lennon
12) Anthony Burgess
A Clockwork Orange has influenced god knows how many musicians with its unreadable dystopian babbling, but many have underrated the influence of his massive sweep over..actually I'm lying, no one has ever aspired to this vision of a nightmarish future state hair style inflicted by a totalitarian hair dresser..
Other sweep overs: none, it just looks too shit...
Bonus baldy:
13) Britney Spears
She may have seen it as a cry for help but instead it opened her fan base up to a whole new group of people who would have formerly shunned her music. Grebbos, crack addicts, Leveller's fans, concentration camp survivors, Duncan Goodhew...
Other "cry for help" crisis hair cuts: Sinead O' Connor, Phil Spector (at his murder trial)
Happy grooming...
maningrey
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